Me & My Soapbox

There's this book.

And I like it a lot.

A series, actually...

And I'm given a lot of grief for liking them.

But like a true literary fan, I put up with it and love it just as much as always.

Ha, I'll probably be given grief for even writing this post.

But yolo hey, I figured I'd go for it.

This series, if you have not yet guessed, is the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer.

Alright, so first off, let me just put it out there that I acknowledge these books are not perfect. They are not the best books ever written, they do not tell the most epic story ever known to man, and they are not books that have a lot of (or really any) philosophical value.

However, they are fairly well written, easy to read, and tell a good story. And if you want to contest any of those, take it up with someone else because I'm about to climb up on my soapbox which is about three thousand feet in the air, out of reach of any of you naysayers.

Unquestionably, there is nothing in the Twilight Saga that would make you think "Ohhey, this is written from a Christian worldview!" Really, nothing. Stephenie Meyer herself is Catholic I believe. And no, the books do not reflect a Catholic worldview.

However, when reading from a Christian worldview, there are certain themes throughout the entire series that are notable.

Sacrifice. Redemption. Truth. Family. Heaven, hell, and souls. Unconditional love, both romantic and familial. Trust. Hope.  And, within the controversial world of vampires, there is a clear line between good and evil.

Throughout the entire series, Bella is trying to coerce Edward into turning her into a vampire so she will be able to stay with him eternally and also because she doesn't think age is just a number. Edward is constantly trying to convince her to change her mind, to remain human and mortal and to live. Sometime later in the series, it is revealed that he truly fears for her soul. He thinks that he has no soul, that whenever the world ends, he will end and he will go to hell. And he doesn't want that to happen to her because he loves her so much. He's willing to sacrifice his own happiness to save her soul. Now, this may not be a big enough storyline for some people to say it's a redemptive quality in the series, but it is there. Throughout the entire series. Sacrifice. Redemption. A true acknowledgment of Heaven and hell.

Family and unconditional love is also a huge part of the series. The Cullen family, or clan, is a mismatched group of vampires who found each other and bonded. There are parents, children, siblings. And they all truly love one another. They would do anything to keep each other safe and they all accept Bella into their family. As the story brings in various enemies and dangers, the family constantly bands together and protects one another.

And then there's the werewolves. Or (spoiler alert) shape shifters, as we later learn. They are a band of brothers, connected by something that runs through all of their veins. They are a true family, just a strong as the Cullens.

And then worlds collide. Enemies for as long as time. But once there is a common interest, Bella, who they all care about and love, they all combine forces and truly become one large family.

Everybody categorizes Twilight as a romance novel, strictly about the love between Bella and Edward. And while this is true, I think that the love between families, including Bella and her father, is just as prominent in the novels. Time and time again throughout the entire series, Stephenie Meyer shows that unconditional love that family members have for one another. Even further, she shows how that unconditional love stretches across families, bringing them all together.

I'm going to stretch here and make a claim that a lot of people may disagree with, but yolo oh well. I think that this love could be interpreted as the love we have for one another within the Body of Christ. There are numerous differences between each believer, differences that could separate them completely. Personalities that would never mesh one little bit. And yet our love for Christ transcends so fully that we develop a love for one another.

Yet another theme that should be recognized is that of the clear distinction made between good and evil. Twilight is heavily criticized for the sheer fact that it is centered around vampires. However, it isn't just some crazy free-for-all "let's eat everyone in sight". The vampires that it is centered around are all "vegetarian vampires" and drink only the blood of animals. They have a true reverence for humanity and it is shown that those who do not have that same value for human lives are the bad guys. There is still the principle of good vs. evil and good always wins.

So there it is. My attempt to show that Twilight is not all bad. I'm not saying that you should go pick up the book expecting for all of these things to jump out at you. But after reading it, if you have the right mindset, it is clear the values that shine through the text.

Personally, I read Twilight because I enjoy the story immensely. Yes, there are flaws and gaps and characters who I hate such as Bella but I do enjoy them and I do enjoy all of the aforementioned things that you can find within the stories.

Plus, who am I kidding, Edward is Prince Charming, immortal.

Love Philosophy

 I recently read a post on love written by Hannah Farver, an eighteen year old blogger, author and speaker. It’s from a Christian, and more specifically, Calvinist, point of view, and it struck a serious chord with me. She was outlining her own “love philosophy”, her basic thoughts on love and relationships. Her main points include recognizing a mature reality, pain, fate, and taming. On a mature reality, she says that we must come to the point when we realize life is not a fairytale. Love isn’t “magic carpet rides, hair-that-heals, and magic wilting roses”, it’s something that exists in our depraved, pain-filled world. And it’s our responsibility to recognize love as what it really is. For guys, she says they must step up and take initiative, but in the same stroke, she tells girls we must be patient, but not expect the guy to do every single thing. She then moves on to explain that pain is inevitable, as it is a product of the sinful world we live in. We must stop fearing the pain and believe that God will use the pain to bring about joy once again. When she began talking about fate is when her Calvinistic view truly came out. It’s the belief that God is all-sovereign and that it is under His jurisdiction alone to choose who we will end up being with forever. This is, in a way, taking away the romantic factor, but it also takes a load off of one’s shoulders, knowing that God’s plan is always perfect and will always come to be. As for taming, she outlines the concept of having a checklist and expecting a guy to fit every little box you want to put him in. However, love is more about finding someone who fits with you.

There was really nothing in this post that I disagreed with. As for the Calvinist view, I’m not going to ramble on about my beliefs as that could be a completely different post in and of itself, but I will say that I lean towards Calvinist beliefs more than Arminian. And that’s all I will say on that. For now.

Moving on to her love philosophy…as I said, there really isn’t anything I can disagree with. I am, in all honesty, one of the biggest romantics that I have ever come across. It’s sort of ridiculous. Sometimes I want to slap myself, honestly. I grew up watching and loving fairytales. In my early teen years, I lived off of teen romance novels. Heck, I still do.  If I could only watch one genre of movies for the rest of my life it would be action & adventure romantic comedies. And sappy love songs are among the most played on my iTunes.

As the years passed, I began to grow somewhat…cynical…towards love and relationships and boys. It was the product of being in a group of friends who thrived on drama and gossip and he-said-she-said. And for years, I had an outlook on dating that was just…not good. Basically, my “love philosophy” was outta whack. I just wanted to have a boyfriend. I wanted to have a boyfriend and be some cute little couple and do all the cute things that are in the movies and books, which can be described with one word. Fictitious.

 Last summer, my love philosophy did a total 180. While I was in a Bible study and we were praying and asking God where He wanted us to go next, I was suddenly struck with this thought that I needed to read this book, Praying for Your Future Husband. I had owned the book for a few months, but never been able to really get into reading it. That week, I began reading one chapter a day-nothing more, nothing less. It became my routine to settle into my bed at night with a mug of sleepy time tea, my book, and my journal. At first,  I thought that maybe I was being called to read it because my future husband was in need of prayer. I pictured myself as some sort of super hero, all readied to pray him out of whatever sticky situation he was in. But as I delved into the book, I realized that God had called me to read the book at that point in time because I needed to make serious changes to my life.

I’m not going to get into that too much right now, as I mainly just wanted to post that article from Hannah Farver and briefly (haha) reflect on it, but I guess my point is that yes, I agree with everything she says. Especially the part when she says that God will bring two people together when it is right in His plan. The most powerful visual in Praying for Your Future Husband was that of a triangle. You are at one corner of the base, your future spouse at the other, and God is at the top point. As both you and the other person move closer to God individually, you are inherently drawing closer to God. And that’s all that matters. No matter how many crushes (I hate that word…) I have, how many boys break my heart, no matter how many times I think it’s right when it’s not…God has a plan. And I’m part of that plan and so is he.

 Hannah Farver ended her post with one line, urging her readers to not fear the pain of heartbreak. One simple line that said, “God is bigger than that.”

And He is.

Change Change Change

I once read in a book that when something is spoken three times, it's established forever.

So let me just take a moment to say, "Dear Change, stop, stop, stop."

For anyone who knows me, you know I have a serious aversion to change. Maybe it's because I've already been through enough change in my life to last me forever, or maybe I'm just too lazy to adapt to change. But I'm thinking it's more of the first one. And even if you don't know me tremendously well, I've talked about change tons of times on this blog and about how much I hate it.

I know change is usually supposed to be a good thing. Changes mean progress, moving on, moving up, and growing. But sometimes it's just painful to deal with.

The past few months, I've had to completely step up to the plate and prioritize and rearrange things in my life in order to get all of my work done and fulfill my responsibilities. That was a change that really needed to happen, even if I was resistent to it at first.

Last week, I was filling out forms for my school and it said "Grade Entering"...I almost had a heart attack as my shaking hand scribbled "12" in the tiny slot.

Today, the seniors left, and my class was given the charter to step up to the plate as the rising seniors.

In the past weeks, I've had to make a decision about whether or not to make changes to a certain relationship in my life. After months of thinking change was exactly what that relationship needed, I couldn't. Because I needed that one thing in my life to stay the same. The same, safe, and stable.

Everybody around me is changing. Progressing. Moving on and moving out.

Everything around me is changing. Spring is slowly morphing into Summer, circumstances are changing, there's been a shift in the weather and it's not going back to how it was.

And for once in my life, I'm moving with the change. I might be doing so begrudgingly, but I'm doing it. And as much as I hate it, it's okay. I know that this next year is going to be absolutely full of hard decisions and change and I need to start prepping myself for that right now. Otherwise I will absolutely fall apart.

And right now, I'm sitting in my room, the window open, talking to the best friends in the world and listening to old school Jonas Brothers.

And time stands still, even just for a moment.

Long time....

...no talk.
Again.
Sorry guys.
For ya'll who still actually read this.
All 3 of you!
Kidding.
I think it's like 2.

Anyways!

I miss blogging. A lot. I can't even tell you how many times I come on here, all poised to write something, my fingers hovering over the keyboard in anticipation...and then I just...stop. Because either I can't think of anything to write, or I don't like what I have to write about, or I realize that nobody else would like what I write about.

But I suppose that I'll write you a nice long, juicy post since I've been falling back on this blog...basically this entire year so far.

I guess at the core of all this lies the fact that I'm going through a lot of changes right now. And it's sort of hard to write something that will make sense for other people to read when your thoughts will do a complete 180 from the time you think them to the time that you go to write them out.

My thoughts and feelings about other people are changing, some of the stances I've taken are changing, my interests are changing, and my entire life in general is just...changing. And I hate change. Change to me is like baths to cats. They do not mix.

And then another part of me feels like everyone around me is changing and moving on and doing things and I'm just...stuck. Completely still. I don't write anymore. I really, really don't. And it stinks. A lot. But like I said, I've been having trouble with writing about all the stupid changes in my life. And then I go to write about all these changes and suddenly I feel like nothing is changing.

Get it?

Yeah, me either.

So now that I've gotten all of that out of the way...I'll do what I do best. And write you a list...of things. Random things. I'm good at that, rightttt? Nod yes.

1) I have debate in four days. It's starting to get intense. My class gets so vicious towards one another. It's so fun.

2) I only have 3 classes left for my college class anddd I have too much left to do for that class! I have no more words on that matter. For the words that I do have may not be understandable to the rest of the human race.

3) I'm going down a road again that I promised myself I would never go down again and it's happening exactly the same as last time except maybe worse because there may be more at stake this time....And again, I have no more words on that matter.

4) Spotify is my new favorite thing on the face of this earth. It's pretty darn great.

5) I finished my driving lessons! Finally! It only took a year! And now I can schedule my driving test...whoooo.....

6) I have no books to read. No books to read.

7) Sometimes I wonder if I say too much or too little. I guess it depends on who I'm talking to.

8) Family Force 5 concert #3 tomorrow. I can't decide if I actually voluntarily go to these or if my sister is telepathically forcing me to go. Because...there's always this split second moment of apprehension and then I'm all psyched for it. A little suspect, if you ask me.

9) I am throroughly addicted to tumblr now. It's like a disease. A disease that I avoided for over a year! And then I caved and there's no going back.

10) Here's lookin' at you, kid. I don't know. That phrase just popped into my head and I really wanted to use it. I just...don't know...where that came from. My apologies. :P

Alright guys...I hope that post wasn't too painful to read. I am going to leave now and recollect my thoughts and hopefully within the next week or so I'll be back with a coherent post...although I'm pretty sure I say that every time!

_______ Is Like Exercising

If you guessed "Blogging is like exercising" you were correct!
It's one of those things that it's hard to get back into the rhythm of, ya know?
I have been so hectically busy it's not even funny.

But I'm on Spring Break (halfsies, at least), I have coffee, Spotify, and the wind blowing into my own room.
That's riiiiiight. I have my own room. That's how long it's been since I've posted. I have my very own room for the first time ever!
The best part is I can do my nails in the middle of the night. 
It's the best.

What else is new...

I've been volunteering at the local assisted living place. It's been he...nevermind. I helped dye eggs today though, and that was actually fun! It's so amazing to see these elderly people who are often so withdrawn and out of it remember dying eggs when they were younger and just come to life (no pun intended?). It was great.

I have also been stressing, but to the max. Even more than usual. It's not good.

But I've just decided to take things as they come and have fun because YOLO. I apologize for the use of that on my somewhat-educated blog. But it had to be done.

And actually, I was told by my professor today that my writing has a good level of complexity appropriate for analytical writing and that he can definitely see me going into the field of writing and that that is an excellent idea. I think it made my week.

What else is new ahhhh. It's been too long, guys!

I only have one driving lesson left!!! Then I can schedule my test yessss.

I'm now thoroughly addicted to The Voice.

Did I mention that The Vow was a crap load of a movie?


The Hunger Games was the exact opposite. Best movie of my life.

Except for the fact that I saw it three times and jumped all three times at the exact same time, two of which times I knew it was coming. And my grandmother didn't even jump at the part. My grandmother.

And on that note, I shall leave you.

I hope you all have a blessed Easter!

16 Going On 17

Hey, all. Sorry I've been MIA lately.
I've been busy.
And not had much to write about, unless you feel like hearing about my school work.
And honestly, I started a tumblr. So...haha.

Anyways. I'm basically just here to post this...

Because guys!

I have been waiting my entire life for this to be my song.

My whole life.

 And I have no one to sing it with. 

Like, seriously, my last Birthday, I was all "IT'S FINALLY MY SONG!!!"

Then life got in the way and I forgot about it for a few months.

And then I remembered.

And now I plan on enjoying it for the next few hours. And, who am I kidding, the rest of my life.

:)

Don't You Know Who You Are?

Buckle up, kids. This one's gonna be a bumpy ride.

I'm lost.

I'm stuck.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I lost track of myself and just...everything and I have no clue when it happened.

I'm bitter and hurt and sad and angry.

At everybody.

At nobody.

I like to mope and grovel and pretend that my life is a heck of a lot worse than it is.

But when it comes down to it....I don't know who I am anymore.

Somewhere along the line, in the mix of trying to figure out what I want to do, where I want to go to college...of wanting to get the heck out of town and never look back and wanting to stay here, in my room, with my cat and my blanket and never leave...of being bitter and angry that he chose her over me...I lost myself.

And I wandered.

I wandered so far from God.

I tried to define myself.

But I've already been defined.

I am not defined by what I do, who I am, or what I have given to God. I am defined by what God has done for and given to me.

And that?

That takes the world off of my shoulders.