Change, The Epilogue

Phew.

Hi.

Long, long, super long time no talk.

For a while, I thought about never returning to blogging. I got tired of it, I got tired of the commitment of it, of having to worry about putting out posts so that people would continue to visit and read my blog. I got tired of all the spam hits from Russian porn sites. But I think that most of all, I just needed a break this summer. Towards the end of the school year, I became someone that I'm not exactly proud of. I really wasn't in a good place. I was just...melancholy and upset about anything and everything for no apparent reason. I was angry and touchy and bleh.

So when school got out, I just wanted and needed a break. I don't think I realized it at the time...I tried to maintain the same conversations with my friends and tried my best to continue with this blog...but I couldn't.

At the end of May, I got my job at Starbucks. I think that's when I really started to change, and for the better. I've done what I do best and compiled a list of changes from this summer:

1) I got a job (more on this later).
2) I got my license (best thing of my life).
3) I lost friends.
4) I made friends.
5) I cultivated and expanded my sarcasm and humor (and we all know I was already hilarious).
6) I became more confrontational (probably not a good thing).
7) Even more than before, I learned to step up and solve problems, even when I don't necessarily know the solution.
8) I really don't think anyone can call me shy anymore. I'm just...not (refer back to items 5 & 6).
9) I stopped worrying so much all the time and started trusting God more.
10) I became even more hopelessly addicted to coffee.

And etc.

Basically, it's been a lot of little, tiny, slow changes that might not even be noticeable. But I've noticed. I feel different, as cliche as that may sound. I can honestly say that for the most part, I haven't been this genuinely happy in a very long time. I laugh more (refer back to items 4 & 5 of my list) and I enjoy more things than I used to.

I'm not going to say that this is all because of my job, because it's not. But I think a lot of it is. A combination of my job, the responsibility, the freedom, the dealings with customers, the handling of problems, and the (mostly) wonderful people I work(ed) with.When I started at Starbucks, I didn't have to be anyone at all. There were no expectations of me. Actually, my co-workers were expecting me to be some anti-social, quiet, dorky homeschooler. And I didn't go there planning to be somebody I wasn't. I didn't go in there planning to be anything. I went there to work. I never expected that I would be able to completely be myself, find people I like, people who like me, let loose, and have some of the best times I've had in a long time.

And now, at the end of three months, I feel so much better than I did on the last day of school. In the state of mind that I was at that time, I don't think I would be able to deal with this coming year and all of its daunting responsibilities and decisions. And I'm not saying I'm invincible now. But I've learned to embrace, even welcome, change. And most of all, I've learned to rely on God completely, which is something that will be beyond priceless to me this year.

So, in summary, that has been my summer. I didn't go on crazy vacations and trips or have the most fun and exciting summers ever, but it has been one of my favorites.

If any of my wonderful followers have stayed with me through this hiatus, I'm grateful to you. I'm not one hundred percent that I'll go back to blogging regularly (because I'll be crazy busy and also because I'll have to ease into it) but I'm sure that this year, I will need this blog as a crutch and an outlet and I would love for ya'll to read along with me as I go through my final year of high school.

Also.

It.

Is.

Fall.

I don't care what you say.

The Annual Summer Post

Eyyo.

Long time no talk.

But hey, I've been busy.

Yep, busy.

In the summer.

Now, if you've been with this blog for a while, or if you know me well enough, you know perfectly well that I am usually anything but busy during the summertime. And there's usually an overage of posting about how bored I am, how I hate summertime, etc.

However, this summer has started out a bit differently. For several reasons. I'll let you know what they are later...in list form ;)

First off, though, I've had an epiphany about Summer and I.

I am not good at summertime. At all. I don't think I have been since I hit the age of like...12. I like, no, need to be busy. Sure, it's nice to lounge around and be lazy for a week or two, but after that I am crawling the walls because I need to have some goal to achieve, some purpose to fulfill. During the entire school year, I pour myself into my work and doing my best and achieving as much as I can.

And then summer rolls around...and cue the crickets.

Add into the equation that I don't like the beach (s'okay in moderation), amusement parks (overrated), etc, along with the fact that I loathe the heat and you have me. Bored. Hating summertime.

But! This summer has been, and I'm sure, will be, different. Fingers crossed. Here's why:

•  I'm so burnt out after this year, I have probably never welcomed summer with such open arms before. 
• My stepbrother has been staying with us for almost three weeks, which is mayhem. It's been keeping all of us busy.
• I'm even more of a night-owl than usual and summertime gives room for my night-owl-like tendencies.
• I'm getting my license, Lord willing (it's about time). 
• I have set serious goals that I need to achieve before fall rolls around, academically and personally. 
• I'm (finally!) writing again. 
• I have already torn my library card to shreds getting books out (but this is normal). 
• I got a job. Regardless, a job that I didn't ask for, want, or interview for...but it's a job. And we shall see how that goes. 
• I really want to use this summer to focus on my relationship with God. I know that should be my conviction at all times of the year, but last summer I found such peace and clarity, I want to renew and strengthen that. 
• I have something really really really really really really exciting going down on June 24th. Stay tuned for that. 
• And, lastly, I have decided to make this a good summer. 

So, I hope wherever ya'll are, whatever you'll be up to this summer, you have been having, are having, and will have a fabulous summer season!

That One Topic Everyone Likes to Avoid

Free will carried many a soul to hell, but never a soul to heaven.   

This is a quote from Charles Spurgeon, who is arguably one of the most quoted people within the Christian community.  He never attended theological school, but by the age of twenty-one, he was one of the best-known pastors in England. In fact, for the entire second half of the nineteenth century, he was the most popular pastor in England. He spoke to groups of 10,000 or more and his church was forced to move locations on many instances as it continued to outgrow buildings and meeting places. Spurgeon was considered to be the "People's Preacher" as he worked close to the churches and the people. He admonished the flaws within the English church and was against biblical criticism. 

This quote is short and seemingly straightforward, but it has the ability to launch hours worth of discussion.

Fourteen words. 

There are only fourteen words in the quote, and yet it says so much. 

Even if you don't believe in predestination, there's something unarguably true about this quote. We are sinful, disgusting, loathsome, and hopeless on our own. We who claim to be born again and proclaim to the world of our place with Christ still sin every single day. And we know we sin and we repent and do what we can to be as good as possible, but no matter what happens, we are still sinful. It's our own nature. 

And it is this principle that plays such a huge part in the Calvinist's argument. 

How could we, such sinful creatures, choose, in our own consciousness, something as pure and good as God? 

Our own free will will lead us to sin every time. It's just our nature. We have a sinful nature. God is the good in us and we all acknowledge that, yet for whatever reason, we seem to think that there is still enough good in us that on our own we are able to choose Christ. 

Last summer, I was involved in a Bible study in which we read The Potter's Freedom by James White. The book was actually written as a rebuttal to Norman Geisler's Chosen But Free. Geisler claims to be a "moderate Calvinist", accepting only one or two points from the Calvinist's five point system. I personally have not ready Geisler's book so I cannot give my own thoughts on it, but from what White quoted in his book and from what other people have said, it had very limited exegesis.  

But that's not what this post is about. 

I'm not going to openly say that I'm a Calvinist. Or that I'm an Arminian. Because honestly, I don't know. I lean towards the Calvinist worldview because of things I've read and discussions I've had and scripture I've studied, but there are still pieces that hang in the balance that make me not able to really settle that within myself. Yet. 

However, Calvinist or not, Spurgeon's quote is, at the very least, food for thought.

Me & My Soapbox

There's this book.

And I like it a lot.

A series, actually...

And I'm given a lot of grief for liking them.

But like a true literary fan, I put up with it and love it just as much as always.

Ha, I'll probably be given grief for even writing this post.

But yolo hey, I figured I'd go for it.

This series, if you have not yet guessed, is the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer.

Alright, so first off, let me just put it out there that I acknowledge these books are not perfect. They are not the best books ever written, they do not tell the most epic story ever known to man, and they are not books that have a lot of (or really any) philosophical value.

However, they are fairly well written, easy to read, and tell a good story. And if you want to contest any of those, take it up with someone else because I'm about to climb up on my soapbox which is about three thousand feet in the air, out of reach of any of you naysayers.

Unquestionably, there is nothing in the Twilight Saga that would make you think "Ohhey, this is written from a Christian worldview!" Really, nothing. Stephenie Meyer herself is Catholic I believe. And no, the books do not reflect a Catholic worldview.

However, when reading from a Christian worldview, there are certain themes throughout the entire series that are notable.

Sacrifice. Redemption. Truth. Family. Heaven, hell, and souls. Unconditional love, both romantic and familial. Trust. Hope.  And, within the controversial world of vampires, there is a clear line between good and evil.

Throughout the entire series, Bella is trying to coerce Edward into turning her into a vampire so she will be able to stay with him eternally and also because she doesn't think age is just a number. Edward is constantly trying to convince her to change her mind, to remain human and mortal and to live. Sometime later in the series, it is revealed that he truly fears for her soul. He thinks that he has no soul, that whenever the world ends, he will end and he will go to hell. And he doesn't want that to happen to her because he loves her so much. He's willing to sacrifice his own happiness to save her soul. Now, this may not be a big enough storyline for some people to say it's a redemptive quality in the series, but it is there. Throughout the entire series. Sacrifice. Redemption. A true acknowledgment of Heaven and hell.

Family and unconditional love is also a huge part of the series. The Cullen family, or clan, is a mismatched group of vampires who found each other and bonded. There are parents, children, siblings. And they all truly love one another. They would do anything to keep each other safe and they all accept Bella into their family. As the story brings in various enemies and dangers, the family constantly bands together and protects one another.

And then there's the werewolves. Or (spoiler alert) shape shifters, as we later learn. They are a band of brothers, connected by something that runs through all of their veins. They are a true family, just a strong as the Cullens.

And then worlds collide. Enemies for as long as time. But once there is a common interest, Bella, who they all care about and love, they all combine forces and truly become one large family.

Everybody categorizes Twilight as a romance novel, strictly about the love between Bella and Edward. And while this is true, I think that the love between families, including Bella and her father, is just as prominent in the novels. Time and time again throughout the entire series, Stephenie Meyer shows that unconditional love that family members have for one another. Even further, she shows how that unconditional love stretches across families, bringing them all together.

I'm going to stretch here and make a claim that a lot of people may disagree with, but yolo oh well. I think that this love could be interpreted as the love we have for one another within the Body of Christ. There are numerous differences between each believer, differences that could separate them completely. Personalities that would never mesh one little bit. And yet our love for Christ transcends so fully that we develop a love for one another.

Yet another theme that should be recognized is that of the clear distinction made between good and evil. Twilight is heavily criticized for the sheer fact that it is centered around vampires. However, it isn't just some crazy free-for-all "let's eat everyone in sight". The vampires that it is centered around are all "vegetarian vampires" and drink only the blood of animals. They have a true reverence for humanity and it is shown that those who do not have that same value for human lives are the bad guys. There is still the principle of good vs. evil and good always wins.

So there it is. My attempt to show that Twilight is not all bad. I'm not saying that you should go pick up the book expecting for all of these things to jump out at you. But after reading it, if you have the right mindset, it is clear the values that shine through the text.

Personally, I read Twilight because I enjoy the story immensely. Yes, there are flaws and gaps and characters who I hate such as Bella but I do enjoy them and I do enjoy all of the aforementioned things that you can find within the stories.

Plus, who am I kidding, Edward is Prince Charming, immortal.

Love Philosophy

 I recently read a post on love written by Hannah Farver, an eighteen year old blogger, author and speaker. It’s from a Christian, and more specifically, Calvinist, point of view, and it struck a serious chord with me. She was outlining her own “love philosophy”, her basic thoughts on love and relationships. Her main points include recognizing a mature reality, pain, fate, and taming. On a mature reality, she says that we must come to the point when we realize life is not a fairytale. Love isn’t “magic carpet rides, hair-that-heals, and magic wilting roses”, it’s something that exists in our depraved, pain-filled world. And it’s our responsibility to recognize love as what it really is. For guys, she says they must step up and take initiative, but in the same stroke, she tells girls we must be patient, but not expect the guy to do every single thing. She then moves on to explain that pain is inevitable, as it is a product of the sinful world we live in. We must stop fearing the pain and believe that God will use the pain to bring about joy once again. When she began talking about fate is when her Calvinistic view truly came out. It’s the belief that God is all-sovereign and that it is under His jurisdiction alone to choose who we will end up being with forever. This is, in a way, taking away the romantic factor, but it also takes a load off of one’s shoulders, knowing that God’s plan is always perfect and will always come to be. As for taming, she outlines the concept of having a checklist and expecting a guy to fit every little box you want to put him in. However, love is more about finding someone who fits with you.

There was really nothing in this post that I disagreed with. As for the Calvinist view, I’m not going to ramble on about my beliefs as that could be a completely different post in and of itself, but I will say that I lean towards Calvinist beliefs more than Arminian. And that’s all I will say on that. For now.

Moving on to her love philosophy…as I said, there really isn’t anything I can disagree with. I am, in all honesty, one of the biggest romantics that I have ever come across. It’s sort of ridiculous. Sometimes I want to slap myself, honestly. I grew up watching and loving fairytales. In my early teen years, I lived off of teen romance novels. Heck, I still do.  If I could only watch one genre of movies for the rest of my life it would be action & adventure romantic comedies. And sappy love songs are among the most played on my iTunes.

As the years passed, I began to grow somewhat…cynical…towards love and relationships and boys. It was the product of being in a group of friends who thrived on drama and gossip and he-said-she-said. And for years, I had an outlook on dating that was just…not good. Basically, my “love philosophy” was outta whack. I just wanted to have a boyfriend. I wanted to have a boyfriend and be some cute little couple and do all the cute things that are in the movies and books, which can be described with one word. Fictitious.

 Last summer, my love philosophy did a total 180. While I was in a Bible study and we were praying and asking God where He wanted us to go next, I was suddenly struck with this thought that I needed to read this book, Praying for Your Future Husband. I had owned the book for a few months, but never been able to really get into reading it. That week, I began reading one chapter a day-nothing more, nothing less. It became my routine to settle into my bed at night with a mug of sleepy time tea, my book, and my journal. At first,  I thought that maybe I was being called to read it because my future husband was in need of prayer. I pictured myself as some sort of super hero, all readied to pray him out of whatever sticky situation he was in. But as I delved into the book, I realized that God had called me to read the book at that point in time because I needed to make serious changes to my life.

I’m not going to get into that too much right now, as I mainly just wanted to post that article from Hannah Farver and briefly (haha) reflect on it, but I guess my point is that yes, I agree with everything she says. Especially the part when she says that God will bring two people together when it is right in His plan. The most powerful visual in Praying for Your Future Husband was that of a triangle. You are at one corner of the base, your future spouse at the other, and God is at the top point. As both you and the other person move closer to God individually, you are inherently drawing closer to God. And that’s all that matters. No matter how many crushes (I hate that word…) I have, how many boys break my heart, no matter how many times I think it’s right when it’s not…God has a plan. And I’m part of that plan and so is he.

 Hannah Farver ended her post with one line, urging her readers to not fear the pain of heartbreak. One simple line that said, “God is bigger than that.”

And He is.

Change Change Change

I once read in a book that when something is spoken three times, it's established forever.

So let me just take a moment to say, "Dear Change, stop, stop, stop."

For anyone who knows me, you know I have a serious aversion to change. Maybe it's because I've already been through enough change in my life to last me forever, or maybe I'm just too lazy to adapt to change. But I'm thinking it's more of the first one. And even if you don't know me tremendously well, I've talked about change tons of times on this blog and about how much I hate it.

I know change is usually supposed to be a good thing. Changes mean progress, moving on, moving up, and growing. But sometimes it's just painful to deal with.

The past few months, I've had to completely step up to the plate and prioritize and rearrange things in my life in order to get all of my work done and fulfill my responsibilities. That was a change that really needed to happen, even if I was resistent to it at first.

Last week, I was filling out forms for my school and it said "Grade Entering"...I almost had a heart attack as my shaking hand scribbled "12" in the tiny slot.

Today, the seniors left, and my class was given the charter to step up to the plate as the rising seniors.

In the past weeks, I've had to make a decision about whether or not to make changes to a certain relationship in my life. After months of thinking change was exactly what that relationship needed, I couldn't. Because I needed that one thing in my life to stay the same. The same, safe, and stable.

Everybody around me is changing. Progressing. Moving on and moving out.

Everything around me is changing. Spring is slowly morphing into Summer, circumstances are changing, there's been a shift in the weather and it's not going back to how it was.

And for once in my life, I'm moving with the change. I might be doing so begrudgingly, but I'm doing it. And as much as I hate it, it's okay. I know that this next year is going to be absolutely full of hard decisions and change and I need to start prepping myself for that right now. Otherwise I will absolutely fall apart.

And right now, I'm sitting in my room, the window open, talking to the best friends in the world and listening to old school Jonas Brothers.

And time stands still, even just for a moment.

Long time....

...no talk.
Again.
Sorry guys.
For ya'll who still actually read this.
All 3 of you!
Kidding.
I think it's like 2.

Anyways!

I miss blogging. A lot. I can't even tell you how many times I come on here, all poised to write something, my fingers hovering over the keyboard in anticipation...and then I just...stop. Because either I can't think of anything to write, or I don't like what I have to write about, or I realize that nobody else would like what I write about.

But I suppose that I'll write you a nice long, juicy post since I've been falling back on this blog...basically this entire year so far.

I guess at the core of all this lies the fact that I'm going through a lot of changes right now. And it's sort of hard to write something that will make sense for other people to read when your thoughts will do a complete 180 from the time you think them to the time that you go to write them out.

My thoughts and feelings about other people are changing, some of the stances I've taken are changing, my interests are changing, and my entire life in general is just...changing. And I hate change. Change to me is like baths to cats. They do not mix.

And then another part of me feels like everyone around me is changing and moving on and doing things and I'm just...stuck. Completely still. I don't write anymore. I really, really don't. And it stinks. A lot. But like I said, I've been having trouble with writing about all the stupid changes in my life. And then I go to write about all these changes and suddenly I feel like nothing is changing.

Get it?

Yeah, me either.

So now that I've gotten all of that out of the way...I'll do what I do best. And write you a list...of things. Random things. I'm good at that, rightttt? Nod yes.

1) I have debate in four days. It's starting to get intense. My class gets so vicious towards one another. It's so fun.

2) I only have 3 classes left for my college class anddd I have too much left to do for that class! I have no more words on that matter. For the words that I do have may not be understandable to the rest of the human race.

3) I'm going down a road again that I promised myself I would never go down again and it's happening exactly the same as last time except maybe worse because there may be more at stake this time....And again, I have no more words on that matter.

4) Spotify is my new favorite thing on the face of this earth. It's pretty darn great.

5) I finished my driving lessons! Finally! It only took a year! And now I can schedule my driving test...whoooo.....

6) I have no books to read. No books to read.

7) Sometimes I wonder if I say too much or too little. I guess it depends on who I'm talking to.

8) Family Force 5 concert #3 tomorrow. I can't decide if I actually voluntarily go to these or if my sister is telepathically forcing me to go. Because...there's always this split second moment of apprehension and then I'm all psyched for it. A little suspect, if you ask me.

9) I am throroughly addicted to tumblr now. It's like a disease. A disease that I avoided for over a year! And then I caved and there's no going back.

10) Here's lookin' at you, kid. I don't know. That phrase just popped into my head and I really wanted to use it. I just...don't know...where that came from. My apologies. :P

Alright guys...I hope that post wasn't too painful to read. I am going to leave now and recollect my thoughts and hopefully within the next week or so I'll be back with a coherent post...although I'm pretty sure I say that every time!

_______ Is Like Exercising

If you guessed "Blogging is like exercising" you were correct!
It's one of those things that it's hard to get back into the rhythm of, ya know?
I have been so hectically busy it's not even funny.

But I'm on Spring Break (halfsies, at least), I have coffee, Spotify, and the wind blowing into my own room.
That's riiiiiight. I have my own room. That's how long it's been since I've posted. I have my very own room for the first time ever!
The best part is I can do my nails in the middle of the night. 
It's the best.

What else is new...

I've been volunteering at the local assisted living place. It's been he...nevermind. I helped dye eggs today though, and that was actually fun! It's so amazing to see these elderly people who are often so withdrawn and out of it remember dying eggs when they were younger and just come to life (no pun intended?). It was great.

I have also been stressing, but to the max. Even more than usual. It's not good.

But I've just decided to take things as they come and have fun because YOLO. I apologize for the use of that on my somewhat-educated blog. But it had to be done.

And actually, I was told by my professor today that my writing has a good level of complexity appropriate for analytical writing and that he can definitely see me going into the field of writing and that that is an excellent idea. I think it made my week.

What else is new ahhhh. It's been too long, guys!

I only have one driving lesson left!!! Then I can schedule my test yessss.

I'm now thoroughly addicted to The Voice.

Did I mention that The Vow was a crap load of a movie?


The Hunger Games was the exact opposite. Best movie of my life.

Except for the fact that I saw it three times and jumped all three times at the exact same time, two of which times I knew it was coming. And my grandmother didn't even jump at the part. My grandmother.

And on that note, I shall leave you.

I hope you all have a blessed Easter!

16 Going On 17

Hey, all. Sorry I've been MIA lately.
I've been busy.
And not had much to write about, unless you feel like hearing about my school work.
And honestly, I started a tumblr. So...haha.

Anyways. I'm basically just here to post this...

Because guys!

I have been waiting my entire life for this to be my song.

My whole life.

 And I have no one to sing it with. 

Like, seriously, my last Birthday, I was all "IT'S FINALLY MY SONG!!!"

Then life got in the way and I forgot about it for a few months.

And then I remembered.

And now I plan on enjoying it for the next few hours. And, who am I kidding, the rest of my life.

:)

Don't You Know Who You Are?

Buckle up, kids. This one's gonna be a bumpy ride.

I'm lost.

I'm stuck.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I lost track of myself and just...everything and I have no clue when it happened.

I'm bitter and hurt and sad and angry.

At everybody.

At nobody.

I like to mope and grovel and pretend that my life is a heck of a lot worse than it is.

But when it comes down to it....I don't know who I am anymore.

Somewhere along the line, in the mix of trying to figure out what I want to do, where I want to go to college...of wanting to get the heck out of town and never look back and wanting to stay here, in my room, with my cat and my blanket and never leave...of being bitter and angry that he chose her over me...I lost myself.

And I wandered.

I wandered so far from God.

I tried to define myself.

But I've already been defined.

I am not defined by what I do, who I am, or what I have given to God. I am defined by what God has done for and given to me.

And that?

That takes the world off of my shoulders. 

& We'll All Float On Okay

...do I already have a post titled that? Oh well...

So, this morning, I called about eight volunteer places.

None of them answered.

I was freaking out. To the max. And, I'm not gonna lie, I was getting a little bit of an attitude towards God. Because sometimes, when I pray, I expect instant results. And I shouldn't. And I know that. But it's an easy pit to fall into.

Nonetheless (I love that word...) I continued praying and making calls...at 1:20, finally, a place called me back and said they had a slot open and I could come get my paper signed. My first thought?

Thank you, Jesus. 

 So now, I have a signed service learning contract, a humbled heart, and a vat of coffee. Like, can we just pause and talk about how huge this cup is?

It's a trenta. 31 ounces of perfection.

Lastly, I'm listening to this song (there's a link there & I dunno why it isn't showing up! But click it...it's there), which I have been listening to and singing since I got the call.

So, to all my lovely readers, don't forget that life goes on. God is sovereign. Coffee is golden.

So...it feels like I haven't posted in forever...and it's been less than a week.
Maybe that's because I've done enough stressing to last me a year.
Ugh.
For my college class, I have to do a ten hour volunteer thing, off of which I'm going to base my entire end of the semester paper/documentary on.
The form is due Wednesday.
I have yet to contact the people.
And only a part of that is my procrastination....I also entered the class late. And had to wade through all the places to find the ones that you could be under 18 for. And there are only certain times when you can contact them.
So basically, if I don't get through tomorrow and get that form signed, I may fail the entire class.
And tomorrow's a stinkin' holiday.
Like, hello there, Abe Lincoln, thanks for ruining my life.

I am trying to breathe properly.

Anyways.
In other news...there is no other news. My life is boring, just as it always has been. And will be.

That's all, really....that I had to say....please pray for me that I'll be able to get the form in on time. And be able to breathe easy once again.

Siiiiiigh.
Bye.

Feet, Martians, And Other Meanderings

You're going to have to start reading this post with a bit of imagination. I was going to have a picture of a foot. But then I realized I cannot, and yes, I mean cannot, stand the sight of bare feet. At all. Like...agh.
But my feet-phobia isn't what this is about.
(Picture of a foot).
^ That is what I put in my mouth. Every other minute. I would try to make up an excuse for it, but I'm not in a lying mood (not that I ever am). See, what happens is that I assume things and my mind runs it through and spits out a premature opinion. And this begins the foot in mouth process. I should really stop. But you have to remember here, I have a vastly imaginative...imagination.
Regardless of my lack of good words, you get my point right?
Good.
Anyways! That's all I have to say on that...sorry I haven posted in a bit but I've been sort of...busy...x10.
I will spare you the gory details of my hectic week and just say that yes, I do love being busy, but I hope terribly that this week is a bit more mellowed out.
Also! Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. AKA "The World is Mocking My Lifestyle" day.
Well guess what, multi-million dollar Valentine's Day industry? I like being single! Oh, sorry, said I wasn't in a lying mood....
But actually, I'm not one of those super anti-Valentines people.
But the holiday has been sort of tainted for me...
When I was an innocent six year old, we were living in apartments and my brother's best friend lived right under us.
My older sister, who would have been seventeen and a rotten stupid teenager (y'all know what I think about that species...) decides to tell me that I absolutely had to have a Valentine. Like. Life or death. And me, the innocent six year old, looking up to my big sister, believed her. And when I asked her "Who is your Valentine?" she just said "That doesn't matter," and I believed her! I never thought myself to really be a stupid child...but I guess I was just, erm, blinded by my respect for her. So, Zach, my brother's best friend, loved (loves) Marvin the Martian. And we had a grocery store called Mars near us and they were giving away free Martian toys/figurines.
Can you see where this is going?
So...we took the Martian and decked him all out with magazine clippings, embellishments, etc.
Let me just tell you now that I don't remember a whole lot of stuff from that time period. In the year that followed, some not so good stuff happened and I blocked a lot out.
But! I remember distinctly...knocking on his door...throwing that daggone Valentine alien at to him and booking it back upstairs to our apartment.
Embarrassing right?
Of course, Zach is basically just my brother now so it's all good fun in the past and I can laugh about it now.
But poor, innocent six year old me had Valentines ruined forever! Forever...
And that is why I will be holed up in my room tomorrow doing homework as per usual watching I Hate Valentine's Day.

Happy day of love, y'all!
<3

Changing

So.
Yesterday, I was thirteen and fangirling like only a thirteen year old can about everything under the sun.
I was carefree, in retrospect.
My biggest concerns were pretty much...my grades. That the guy didn't like me back. That my friend was backstabbing me.
I thought those problems were the end of the world.
I had sleepovers and watched Enchanted and giggled and sprayed silly string on the first person asleep.
I liked a boy with blonde hair that fell halfway over his eyes.
I pretty much stirred up drama (whether I realized it or not) whenever I could.

Today, I woke up, and I'm less than two months shy of seventeen.
Seventeen.
I have too many cares in the world to count.
I stress daily about school, college, the future, etc.
Sometimes so much so that my friendships have to fall to the wayside.
I barely think about the friend that stabbed me in the back or the boy with the blonde hair.
When I see some guy with hair hanging in his face, I'm prone to mutter "Cut your dang hair."
My friends and I are far too busy for sleepovers.
I avoid drama like the Black Plague.

And really, I don't know when all this change happened. Most days, I roll with it. I can be mature and deal with what I have to deal with.

Other days, I want to be thirteen again. Or maybe even twelve. I want to be carefree again. I want to giggle and laugh and shove love notes in his locker (which I never actually did....I don't think....).

But. I can't. So I move on. And stress some more. And pray some more. And realize that change can be good. And I think this change is good. Because I know now, more than ever, that I'm going where God is taking me. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to work out my own future. I pretty much had to hit a low point before I fully handed the reins over to God. And I've felt better since then.

I may not know the whole picture, but He's been revealing it to me piece by piece. A few of those pieces, I've told other people about. A few, I've kept to myself. But the important part is that He has all the pieces.

So, remember that in your own life. It's a good thing to remember.





P.S. I have nail polish on my keyboard....




Kbye.

But...

Hi.
Long time no speak.
Like my background?
I'm too lazy to change it.
I went to change it last night.
And a window popped up saying I had a trojan virus.
I'm now on my mom's computer.

Anyways.

I was originally coming here to say that I was going to take a break from blogging. I don't know...I just don't really like it anymore. It isn't what it was for me when I first started it and, quite frankly, it's sort of boring now.

But I don't want to be all like "Oooh I'm taking a break from blogging ttyl"

Because I'd probably be back the next day.

Rambling.

But on the other hand, I don't want to be committed to blogging anymore.

Because I'm sort of stressed out and don't have time to make this blog as good as I like it to be.

But I do need this blog, to have somewhere to write something, even when I don't feel like writing a grocery list.

So...I'll be back...

Just probably not as frequently as I have been blogging in the past year.

I hate to do that, but I think it's best, just so I can take some time and improve this blog a bit and make it what it used to be and what I really want it to be.

Stay tuned :)

Afterall

Funny how a lot can change in six months.
Funny how cold our responses have gotten.
Or, your responses, should I say.
You only give me those which society dictates.
Hi, how are you, what are you up to, how have you been.
That last one is only required because we speak so infrequently now.
I know I've said  I was done a thousand times...
But I just can't seem to walk away.

"I didn't want you, but I did, it isn't over, but it is..."

You were a great companion.

Maybe one day we'll be back to what we were.

After all, a lot can change in six months.

The Post That Was Originally One Sentence

Hi.
So remember that time that I said I was going to try to figure out what I was going to do with/about my blog?
Haha, I lied.
I'm still considering what to do.
But in the meantime, I may as well utilize this other outlet to procrastinate and fangirl about random obsessions get more writing in.

I don't really have much to say today...just a few random things.

Such as, can we discuss how amazing this music video is? I was literally breathless the first time I watched it.
Okay, I'm obsessed with paper. I think it's not healthy, maybe? I love stationary, journals, envelopes...etc.
Dude, this video has envelopes, paper, postcards, twine, suitcases...and it just has such a vintage feel! I've been diggin' the vintage deal lately, if you haven't noticed ;)

Also...I'm obsessed with Alex Goot on YouTube. This one is my current favorite, just because Kurt Schneider is another one of my favorites...like he is a brilliant producer. But Alex Goot's cover of "We Found Love" is amazing as well. Like...it's too great.  He's a genius, I think...

I'm not even kidding you when I say that I will end up marrying a musician. It's not a joke. Or...yeah. There's no question there. I will marry a musician or just become a spinster. Cats are nice companions...

Um, what else.
I realized I can tolerate a lot of covers of Adele music, but I refuse to listen to most covers of "Someone Like You"....it just gets butchered too often.

And can someone tell me when I started sorta-kinda-defending Lady Gaga? I still don't necessarily like her, but I feel like every artist who actually has talent deserves respect.

That does not include the Biebs.

I want to see Beauty and the Beast in theaters. Right now.

Merlin has finally aired in the US. Muahahah. Now I don't have to watch it on sketchy download sites...
I mean, what?

I officially start classes at the college in, like, six days. Bleh.

One of my favorite conversations I've had in a very long time while I was out to breakfast with my grandmother today:

Mommom: So, I'm reading this really interesting book. When I'm done with my Kindle (yes, yes, she's more high-tech than I am) you'll have to read it.

Naomi: Yeah?

M: Mhmm, it's called The Hunger Games.

N: Really?!? I love those books! I own all three!

M: You do? I couldn't put the first one down. I'm in the middle of the third one right now.

N: I really loved them...they're actually coming out with the movie.

M: We'll have to go see it!

I love my grandmother. Lots.

What elsssseee....Sean is back in NigaHiga's videos. But I doubt anyone actually cares about that...or knows what I'm talking about...so, uh, nevermind...

Oh, speaking of The Hunger Games? The nail polish line comes out for it on March 1st. I'm, um, just going to start saving right now...

Alrightttt...I think that's all. I'll talk to ya'll soon!

Or will I?

Teheh.

Crossroads

Hiya.

So, I don't even know if anyone even noticed, but I've had my blog set on private for the past week. Because...I've been getting bajillions of page views from really spammy, shady sites. I know a lot of them are probably just spam bots that aren't even real people viewing my blog, but still...it's sort of upsetting, you know?

So I set it so only I could view it for a few days, took it off private, and the next day I had a bunch of views from the same site. Anddd I set it back to private...

Basically, I'm not sure where to go from here with my blog. I have a lot wrapped up in it...almost two years worth of posts and rants, confessions, experiences, etc...I don't really just want to leave it. But it isn't the greatest feeling to look at the blog stats and only see page views from blah sites.

Ya know?

So yeah. That's just kind of a heads up I guess. I may be quitting the blogging deal for a while and leaving it on private, or I may switch sites (even though I hate all the other ones) or I might just bite the bullet and keep using Blogger. I'll let ya'll (the real people who actually care and read this, that is) know in the next few weeks what the deal is :)

All of that aside! I figured I'd just post a quick update of what I'm up to, what I've been up to, etc.

In the past two weeks, I've:

Seen my best friends.

Stayed up late and slept in.

Stressed. Lots.

Caught up on all of my TV shows.

Taken two Tylenol PM and been knocked out for almost ten hours straight (this was today/last night...I may be up for a while...)

Missed people.

Not missed other people.

Shopped 'till I dropped. Haha...seriously though. We were exhausted. And then we went to the Nordstrom's cafe and only ordered lemonade and coffee...the conversation that ensued was pretty much:
"Wait, are we supposed to leave a tip?"
"Yeah, like 15 (now I know it's 20...) percent I think..."
"Oh..."
"That would only be...seventy cents."
"I'll leave a dollar."
Oddly enough, I think they were glad to see us leave...like, why though?

Listened to Scotty McCreery's album a countless amount of times. Basically...that's all I've listened to for a week straight. 

Done a lot more but I think the Tylenol PM stole my memories, so...

Currently I am:

Sitting in my living room.

Listening to "Someone Like You" by Adele...for the third time in a row. This song never gets old.

Periodically glancing at the TV, which is on mute, and tuned to American Pickers on History Channel. I had to mute it because...well, they're at a clown museum. And it's sort of creeping me out.

Debating whether I should read The Hunger Games again or watch Dr. Who...like I said, I'm probably going to be up for a while.

Drinking Candy Cane Lane tea.

Trying to come up with another story idea. I actually have a few...but they're all falling flat.

Wondering how the "Someone Like You" video can be so emotional when it's just her walking around...well, nevermind.

Listening to Kyler England's "Alchemy"....seriously such a gorgeous song, both composition and lyrics.

Looking for something better to watch.

Contemplating again whether or not I should watch Dr. Who...

In the next week, I will...

Go back to school.

Die from sleep deprivation.

Go to the Dr.'s about my back (I will also just hem all of my pants legs from now on to prevent further occurrences like this one) 

Take the placement test at the college.

Meet with an adviser at the college.

(Hopefully) register for math & science at the college.

Not want to go to the college.

Stress some more.

Pray some more.

And, again, (hopefully) decide what to do about this blog...

Okay, that's all for today...

Agh Blagh.

I'll talk to ya'll later.

;)

In 2011, I...

Ha, so first off I totally meant to post this before midnight but one thing led to another and that obviously didn't happen!
Anyways...
In 2011, I...

Learned lessons...some the hard way.

Remembered.

Forgot.

Let go.

Held on.

Made friends.

Lost friends.

Went to three concerts.

Fell in love with Country music & all things southern.

Wrote a book.

Stayed up all night.

Talked all night.

Cried.

Laughed.

Drew closer to God.

Ironed out the wrinkles.

Been more confused than ever.

Had feelings for someone.

Lost them...the feelings or the person, I'm still trying to figure out.

Been stranded in the snow.

Gone to a job interview.

Written oodles and oodles of worthless crap.

Written a few precious gems.

Hated this blog.

Relied on it more than anything.

So, dear, dear readers & followers, here's to a tremendous New Year. Let's make it ten thousand times better than 2011, no?

And I just have to add...I'm watching Princess Diaries 2 with my little sister who is laughing hysterically (like...hysteria...) and mumbling "Ahhh, it's one I clock in the morning!"

Also, we watched some of Dick Clark's NYE coverage and she said "You know that guy who is announcing everything? I bet one year he'll drop dead just as the ball drops!"

Oh, kids say the darnest things.

Happy New Year, m'dears!