Excuse Me, Your Ankle Skin Is Showing

As many of you may (or may not) know, I recently moved to Nashville, Tennessee to attend Uni, as I will now call it in suit with Ed Sheeran and the rest of those wonderful Brits. Um, anyways. Yes, Nashville.

 It's been a bit of a culture shock.

 I could talk about the fact that, despite what everyone said, country music is not at the forefront of the culture, but instead synth-laden party pop is.

Or I could talk about the fact that, aside from the people who are too cool for it, most everyone is so nice.

I could also talk about Nashvillian fashion, something I am completely baffled by. And, in fact, I shall talk about that. Except I am going to focus on a very small part of it.

From the ankle down.

Look around, and you will see legs clad with skinny jeans, with the bottom three inches folded up, revealing about an inch of pale, sun deprived skin. How scandalous.

Since arriving in Nashville, I have seen about four different styles of footwear.

1) Lace up ankle-length boots. Black, brown, leather, suede. You name it. The key here is the cuff of the skinny jeans tucked into the top of the boot. That's important.

2) Vintage oxford shoes. On girls, think the black and white saddle shoes, sometimes penny loafers. On guys, think granddad's closet. And skinny jeans.

3) Chacos. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE. Nor do I like them. They're just...no. I would post a picture of them here but they're so hideous and I see so much of them that I would really rather not go searching for one. So, look them up at your own discretion.

4) Last, and my absolute least favorite, bare foot. Bare foot. I have seen more bare feet than I ever needed to in my life. I feel like I need to release a PSA and let these people know that we are still in a city. With germs and sharp things to step on. Plus, unless you could legitamately be a foot model, you shouldn't be lettin' your little piggies run wee wee wee around town.

I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest. I'm going to go put my flip-flops on now. And I promise I'll be back with a more substantial update soon.

Change, The Epilogue

Phew.

Hi.

Long, long, super long time no talk.

For a while, I thought about never returning to blogging. I got tired of it, I got tired of the commitment of it, of having to worry about putting out posts so that people would continue to visit and read my blog. I got tired of all the spam hits from Russian porn sites. But I think that most of all, I just needed a break this summer. Towards the end of the school year, I became someone that I'm not exactly proud of. I really wasn't in a good place. I was just...melancholy and upset about anything and everything for no apparent reason. I was angry and touchy and bleh.

So when school got out, I just wanted and needed a break. I don't think I realized it at the time...I tried to maintain the same conversations with my friends and tried my best to continue with this blog...but I couldn't.

At the end of May, I got my job at Starbucks. I think that's when I really started to change, and for the better. I've done what I do best and compiled a list of changes from this summer:

1) I got a job (more on this later).
2) I got my license (best thing of my life).
3) I lost friends.
4) I made friends.
5) I cultivated and expanded my sarcasm and humor (and we all know I was already hilarious).
6) I became more confrontational (probably not a good thing).
7) Even more than before, I learned to step up and solve problems, even when I don't necessarily know the solution.
8) I really don't think anyone can call me shy anymore. I'm just...not (refer back to items 5 & 6).
9) I stopped worrying so much all the time and started trusting God more.
10) I became even more hopelessly addicted to coffee.

And etc.

Basically, it's been a lot of little, tiny, slow changes that might not even be noticeable. But I've noticed. I feel different, as cliche as that may sound. I can honestly say that for the most part, I haven't been this genuinely happy in a very long time. I laugh more (refer back to items 4 & 5 of my list) and I enjoy more things than I used to.

I'm not going to say that this is all because of my job, because it's not. But I think a lot of it is. A combination of my job, the responsibility, the freedom, the dealings with customers, the handling of problems, and the (mostly) wonderful people I work(ed) with.When I started at Starbucks, I didn't have to be anyone at all. There were no expectations of me. Actually, my co-workers were expecting me to be some anti-social, quiet, dorky homeschooler. And I didn't go there planning to be somebody I wasn't. I didn't go in there planning to be anything. I went there to work. I never expected that I would be able to completely be myself, find people I like, people who like me, let loose, and have some of the best times I've had in a long time.

And now, at the end of three months, I feel so much better than I did on the last day of school. In the state of mind that I was at that time, I don't think I would be able to deal with this coming year and all of its daunting responsibilities and decisions. And I'm not saying I'm invincible now. But I've learned to embrace, even welcome, change. And most of all, I've learned to rely on God completely, which is something that will be beyond priceless to me this year.

So, in summary, that has been my summer. I didn't go on crazy vacations and trips or have the most fun and exciting summers ever, but it has been one of my favorites.

If any of my wonderful followers have stayed with me through this hiatus, I'm grateful to you. I'm not one hundred percent that I'll go back to blogging regularly (because I'll be crazy busy and also because I'll have to ease into it) but I'm sure that this year, I will need this blog as a crutch and an outlet and I would love for ya'll to read along with me as I go through my final year of high school.

Also.

It.

Is.

Fall.

I don't care what you say.

The Annual Summer Post

Eyyo.

Long time no talk.

But hey, I've been busy.

Yep, busy.

In the summer.

Now, if you've been with this blog for a while, or if you know me well enough, you know perfectly well that I am usually anything but busy during the summertime. And there's usually an overage of posting about how bored I am, how I hate summertime, etc.

However, this summer has started out a bit differently. For several reasons. I'll let you know what they are later...in list form ;)

First off, though, I've had an epiphany about Summer and I.

I am not good at summertime. At all. I don't think I have been since I hit the age of like...12. I like, no, need to be busy. Sure, it's nice to lounge around and be lazy for a week or two, but after that I am crawling the walls because I need to have some goal to achieve, some purpose to fulfill. During the entire school year, I pour myself into my work and doing my best and achieving as much as I can.

And then summer rolls around...and cue the crickets.

Add into the equation that I don't like the beach (s'okay in moderation), amusement parks (overrated), etc, along with the fact that I loathe the heat and you have me. Bored. Hating summertime.

But! This summer has been, and I'm sure, will be, different. Fingers crossed. Here's why:

•  I'm so burnt out after this year, I have probably never welcomed summer with such open arms before. 
• My stepbrother has been staying with us for almost three weeks, which is mayhem. It's been keeping all of us busy.
• I'm even more of a night-owl than usual and summertime gives room for my night-owl-like tendencies.
• I'm getting my license, Lord willing (it's about time). 
• I have set serious goals that I need to achieve before fall rolls around, academically and personally. 
• I'm (finally!) writing again. 
• I have already torn my library card to shreds getting books out (but this is normal). 
• I got a job. Regardless, a job that I didn't ask for, want, or interview for...but it's a job. And we shall see how that goes. 
• I really want to use this summer to focus on my relationship with God. I know that should be my conviction at all times of the year, but last summer I found such peace and clarity, I want to renew and strengthen that. 
• I have something really really really really really really exciting going down on June 24th. Stay tuned for that. 
• And, lastly, I have decided to make this a good summer. 

So, I hope wherever ya'll are, whatever you'll be up to this summer, you have been having, are having, and will have a fabulous summer season!

That One Topic Everyone Likes to Avoid

Free will carried many a soul to hell, but never a soul to heaven.   

This is a quote from Charles Spurgeon, who is arguably one of the most quoted people within the Christian community.  He never attended theological school, but by the age of twenty-one, he was one of the best-known pastors in England. In fact, for the entire second half of the nineteenth century, he was the most popular pastor in England. He spoke to groups of 10,000 or more and his church was forced to move locations on many instances as it continued to outgrow buildings and meeting places. Spurgeon was considered to be the "People's Preacher" as he worked close to the churches and the people. He admonished the flaws within the English church and was against biblical criticism. 

This quote is short and seemingly straightforward, but it has the ability to launch hours worth of discussion.

Fourteen words. 

There are only fourteen words in the quote, and yet it says so much. 

Even if you don't believe in predestination, there's something unarguably true about this quote. We are sinful, disgusting, loathsome, and hopeless on our own. We who claim to be born again and proclaim to the world of our place with Christ still sin every single day. And we know we sin and we repent and do what we can to be as good as possible, but no matter what happens, we are still sinful. It's our own nature. 

And it is this principle that plays such a huge part in the Calvinist's argument. 

How could we, such sinful creatures, choose, in our own consciousness, something as pure and good as God? 

Our own free will will lead us to sin every time. It's just our nature. We have a sinful nature. God is the good in us and we all acknowledge that, yet for whatever reason, we seem to think that there is still enough good in us that on our own we are able to choose Christ. 

Last summer, I was involved in a Bible study in which we read The Potter's Freedom by James White. The book was actually written as a rebuttal to Norman Geisler's Chosen But Free. Geisler claims to be a "moderate Calvinist", accepting only one or two points from the Calvinist's five point system. I personally have not ready Geisler's book so I cannot give my own thoughts on it, but from what White quoted in his book and from what other people have said, it had very limited exegesis.  

But that's not what this post is about. 

I'm not going to openly say that I'm a Calvinist. Or that I'm an Arminian. Because honestly, I don't know. I lean towards the Calvinist worldview because of things I've read and discussions I've had and scripture I've studied, but there are still pieces that hang in the balance that make me not able to really settle that within myself. Yet. 

However, Calvinist or not, Spurgeon's quote is, at the very least, food for thought.

Me & My Soapbox

There's this book.

And I like it a lot.

A series, actually...

And I'm given a lot of grief for liking them.

But like a true literary fan, I put up with it and love it just as much as always.

Ha, I'll probably be given grief for even writing this post.

But yolo hey, I figured I'd go for it.

This series, if you have not yet guessed, is the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer.

Alright, so first off, let me just put it out there that I acknowledge these books are not perfect. They are not the best books ever written, they do not tell the most epic story ever known to man, and they are not books that have a lot of (or really any) philosophical value.

However, they are fairly well written, easy to read, and tell a good story. And if you want to contest any of those, take it up with someone else because I'm about to climb up on my soapbox which is about three thousand feet in the air, out of reach of any of you naysayers.

Unquestionably, there is nothing in the Twilight Saga that would make you think "Ohhey, this is written from a Christian worldview!" Really, nothing. Stephenie Meyer herself is Catholic I believe. And no, the books do not reflect a Catholic worldview.

However, when reading from a Christian worldview, there are certain themes throughout the entire series that are notable.

Sacrifice. Redemption. Truth. Family. Heaven, hell, and souls. Unconditional love, both romantic and familial. Trust. Hope.  And, within the controversial world of vampires, there is a clear line between good and evil.

Throughout the entire series, Bella is trying to coerce Edward into turning her into a vampire so she will be able to stay with him eternally and also because she doesn't think age is just a number. Edward is constantly trying to convince her to change her mind, to remain human and mortal and to live. Sometime later in the series, it is revealed that he truly fears for her soul. He thinks that he has no soul, that whenever the world ends, he will end and he will go to hell. And he doesn't want that to happen to her because he loves her so much. He's willing to sacrifice his own happiness to save her soul. Now, this may not be a big enough storyline for some people to say it's a redemptive quality in the series, but it is there. Throughout the entire series. Sacrifice. Redemption. A true acknowledgment of Heaven and hell.

Family and unconditional love is also a huge part of the series. The Cullen family, or clan, is a mismatched group of vampires who found each other and bonded. There are parents, children, siblings. And they all truly love one another. They would do anything to keep each other safe and they all accept Bella into their family. As the story brings in various enemies and dangers, the family constantly bands together and protects one another.

And then there's the werewolves. Or (spoiler alert) shape shifters, as we later learn. They are a band of brothers, connected by something that runs through all of their veins. They are a true family, just a strong as the Cullens.

And then worlds collide. Enemies for as long as time. But once there is a common interest, Bella, who they all care about and love, they all combine forces and truly become one large family.

Everybody categorizes Twilight as a romance novel, strictly about the love between Bella and Edward. And while this is true, I think that the love between families, including Bella and her father, is just as prominent in the novels. Time and time again throughout the entire series, Stephenie Meyer shows that unconditional love that family members have for one another. Even further, she shows how that unconditional love stretches across families, bringing them all together.

I'm going to stretch here and make a claim that a lot of people may disagree with, but yolo oh well. I think that this love could be interpreted as the love we have for one another within the Body of Christ. There are numerous differences between each believer, differences that could separate them completely. Personalities that would never mesh one little bit. And yet our love for Christ transcends so fully that we develop a love for one another.

Yet another theme that should be recognized is that of the clear distinction made between good and evil. Twilight is heavily criticized for the sheer fact that it is centered around vampires. However, it isn't just some crazy free-for-all "let's eat everyone in sight". The vampires that it is centered around are all "vegetarian vampires" and drink only the blood of animals. They have a true reverence for humanity and it is shown that those who do not have that same value for human lives are the bad guys. There is still the principle of good vs. evil and good always wins.

So there it is. My attempt to show that Twilight is not all bad. I'm not saying that you should go pick up the book expecting for all of these things to jump out at you. But after reading it, if you have the right mindset, it is clear the values that shine through the text.

Personally, I read Twilight because I enjoy the story immensely. Yes, there are flaws and gaps and characters who I hate such as Bella but I do enjoy them and I do enjoy all of the aforementioned things that you can find within the stories.

Plus, who am I kidding, Edward is Prince Charming, immortal.

Love Philosophy

 I recently read a post on love written by Hannah Farver, an eighteen year old blogger, author and speaker. It’s from a Christian, and more specifically, Calvinist, point of view, and it struck a serious chord with me. She was outlining her own “love philosophy”, her basic thoughts on love and relationships. Her main points include recognizing a mature reality, pain, fate, and taming. On a mature reality, she says that we must come to the point when we realize life is not a fairytale. Love isn’t “magic carpet rides, hair-that-heals, and magic wilting roses”, it’s something that exists in our depraved, pain-filled world. And it’s our responsibility to recognize love as what it really is. For guys, she says they must step up and take initiative, but in the same stroke, she tells girls we must be patient, but not expect the guy to do every single thing. She then moves on to explain that pain is inevitable, as it is a product of the sinful world we live in. We must stop fearing the pain and believe that God will use the pain to bring about joy once again. When she began talking about fate is when her Calvinistic view truly came out. It’s the belief that God is all-sovereign and that it is under His jurisdiction alone to choose who we will end up being with forever. This is, in a way, taking away the romantic factor, but it also takes a load off of one’s shoulders, knowing that God’s plan is always perfect and will always come to be. As for taming, she outlines the concept of having a checklist and expecting a guy to fit every little box you want to put him in. However, love is more about finding someone who fits with you.

There was really nothing in this post that I disagreed with. As for the Calvinist view, I’m not going to ramble on about my beliefs as that could be a completely different post in and of itself, but I will say that I lean towards Calvinist beliefs more than Arminian. And that’s all I will say on that. For now.

Moving on to her love philosophy…as I said, there really isn’t anything I can disagree with. I am, in all honesty, one of the biggest romantics that I have ever come across. It’s sort of ridiculous. Sometimes I want to slap myself, honestly. I grew up watching and loving fairytales. In my early teen years, I lived off of teen romance novels. Heck, I still do.  If I could only watch one genre of movies for the rest of my life it would be action & adventure romantic comedies. And sappy love songs are among the most played on my iTunes.

As the years passed, I began to grow somewhat…cynical…towards love and relationships and boys. It was the product of being in a group of friends who thrived on drama and gossip and he-said-she-said. And for years, I had an outlook on dating that was just…not good. Basically, my “love philosophy” was outta whack. I just wanted to have a boyfriend. I wanted to have a boyfriend and be some cute little couple and do all the cute things that are in the movies and books, which can be described with one word. Fictitious.

 Last summer, my love philosophy did a total 180. While I was in a Bible study and we were praying and asking God where He wanted us to go next, I was suddenly struck with this thought that I needed to read this book, Praying for Your Future Husband. I had owned the book for a few months, but never been able to really get into reading it. That week, I began reading one chapter a day-nothing more, nothing less. It became my routine to settle into my bed at night with a mug of sleepy time tea, my book, and my journal. At first,  I thought that maybe I was being called to read it because my future husband was in need of prayer. I pictured myself as some sort of super hero, all readied to pray him out of whatever sticky situation he was in. But as I delved into the book, I realized that God had called me to read the book at that point in time because I needed to make serious changes to my life.

I’m not going to get into that too much right now, as I mainly just wanted to post that article from Hannah Farver and briefly (haha) reflect on it, but I guess my point is that yes, I agree with everything she says. Especially the part when she says that God will bring two people together when it is right in His plan. The most powerful visual in Praying for Your Future Husband was that of a triangle. You are at one corner of the base, your future spouse at the other, and God is at the top point. As both you and the other person move closer to God individually, you are inherently drawing closer to God. And that’s all that matters. No matter how many crushes (I hate that word…) I have, how many boys break my heart, no matter how many times I think it’s right when it’s not…God has a plan. And I’m part of that plan and so is he.

 Hannah Farver ended her post with one line, urging her readers to not fear the pain of heartbreak. One simple line that said, “God is bigger than that.”

And He is.

Change Change Change

I once read in a book that when something is spoken three times, it's established forever.

So let me just take a moment to say, "Dear Change, stop, stop, stop."

For anyone who knows me, you know I have a serious aversion to change. Maybe it's because I've already been through enough change in my life to last me forever, or maybe I'm just too lazy to adapt to change. But I'm thinking it's more of the first one. And even if you don't know me tremendously well, I've talked about change tons of times on this blog and about how much I hate it.

I know change is usually supposed to be a good thing. Changes mean progress, moving on, moving up, and growing. But sometimes it's just painful to deal with.

The past few months, I've had to completely step up to the plate and prioritize and rearrange things in my life in order to get all of my work done and fulfill my responsibilities. That was a change that really needed to happen, even if I was resistent to it at first.

Last week, I was filling out forms for my school and it said "Grade Entering"...I almost had a heart attack as my shaking hand scribbled "12" in the tiny slot.

Today, the seniors left, and my class was given the charter to step up to the plate as the rising seniors.

In the past weeks, I've had to make a decision about whether or not to make changes to a certain relationship in my life. After months of thinking change was exactly what that relationship needed, I couldn't. Because I needed that one thing in my life to stay the same. The same, safe, and stable.

Everybody around me is changing. Progressing. Moving on and moving out.

Everything around me is changing. Spring is slowly morphing into Summer, circumstances are changing, there's been a shift in the weather and it's not going back to how it was.

And for once in my life, I'm moving with the change. I might be doing so begrudgingly, but I'm doing it. And as much as I hate it, it's okay. I know that this next year is going to be absolutely full of hard decisions and change and I need to start prepping myself for that right now. Otherwise I will absolutely fall apart.

And right now, I'm sitting in my room, the window open, talking to the best friends in the world and listening to old school Jonas Brothers.

And time stands still, even just for a moment.